It was the Best of times, It was the Worst of times…
March 5, 2008*Disclaimer- Since I failed to do so the last time I will warn you that this is not targeted towards anyone particulary any men that I know or that are in my life. The men I know are wonderful and would never be gulity of such foolishness. 
According to the Urban League’s State of Black America Report, Black Women are facing both the best and worst times in our history. Condi’s historically high position in the current presidential administration, Michelle Obama being hailed as the new “Jackie Kennedy O.” and Oprah just being Oprah, just a few examples of modern black female achievement. Business owned by black women increased by 147% in the last ten years and sistas are working more than brothas nationwide. And yet we are suffering.
We work more but we’re still paid less than black males. Black woman are the least likely group in America to be married. The majority of single parent households are headed by black women. There’s still a glaring healthcare gap between black women and non blacks. In spite of the success, the negative imagery and commentary about black women continues. “Nappy headed hoes”, “Video hoes” and skeezers remain the common stereotype amongst the members of society the constant undulations of large behinds and small minds fill the screens of our televisions, even thought black women are attending college 2 to 1 when compared to their male counterparts. But there are a few more terms that have been added, a few more stereotypes that continue to haunt black women, just one more thing that she needs to change, alter or hide about herself to be better liked or accepted. Added by people who are apparently aware of the success of black women and still aren’t impressed, in fact they seem down right angry and bitter.
I didn’t post yesterday, partially because I went to see Day 26 (Making the Band lol) but I also spent most of my day tangling with some man on Youtube. I missed Tyra’s “State of the Black Woman union” so I decided to watch it online (no I don’t have Tivo yet, I’m a broke college grad). Well like anything on the internet that involves race there were negative comments but as I kept reading I saw that some of the most negative hate filled comments came from posters claiming to be black men. One man in particular had every reason why he thought black women were suffering with singleness. According to him, us black women are: mean, disagreeable, don’t let men win arguments, don’t love and support our men, we think we’re special because we have degrees, we think we’re perfect, we’re too picky, we don’t respect our men and “we don’t let a man be a man.” He had a whole barrage of negative things to say about the women on the show and other black women like them, his statements were echoed by other black male posters who said that black women don’t know how to treat black men and that’s why so many of us are unmarried.
First of all let me say how ri-damn-diculous it is to stereotype, and that a real man doesn’t need to whine or ridicule to get respect from a women, which is what I find most discouraging about these claims. I’ve heard it before and sadly it won’t go away. As more black women achieve many black men who aren’t achieving will lash out and question that woman’s ability to be a “stereotypical woman.”
I know everyone’s sick of hearing about slavery but it’s important to realize that it is very important and it remnants still effect the mentality of a lot of people of color so bear with me. You see we were sold a bill of goods when we it comes to male and female relationships. Slavery was justified for many by saying that Blacks were perverse. Our men were lazy incompetents and our women were ugly superhuman work/sex machines at the same time juxtaposing the idea of the white Victorian family as the ideal (domineering working man and sweet docile feeble woman). After slavery black men were often forced out of their jobs while black women were able to continue working as maids, and mammies. All while reinforcing the idea that our families were backward, and sick while championing the “beauty” of the Victorian family. Fast forward to today and you’ve got many of us still believing the negatives stereotypes about ourselves and each other. Still thinking that a man has to do this or do that or that a woman can’t do something
To this day so many of our children are living in contradictions. We tell our young men to “get money “, “be tough”, “be a man” but at the same time we “understand” when they don’t take their education seriously, we tell them “you don’t have to marry her just because she’s pregnant” etc. encouraging a “boys will be boys” attitude that contradicts itself and has many young men thinking that a real man makes money but a black man underachieves. At the same time black girls are taught to love your men support them, but we’re also taught that men don’t take care of they’re responsibilities so have your own and don’t trust them. I was reading one message board, in which a black female teacher told her predominantly black class that she was going to bring in a male speaker to talk to them about being a good husband and father. The boys then told her that he only needs to talk about being a good dad because “marriage is for white people”. Where would these kids get this message? What kind of message was that giving to the young ladies in the room? We all believe our own stereotypes and we’re passing it down through the generations and that’s the saddest thing of all. So what should a woman act like? What should a man act like? Who made these rules? Need to question these things that we accept as standard behavior, No one is breaking down black male/female relationships but us. WE need to recognize how this started so we can determine where it ends. Stop trying to pull up a tree by the leaves!
So ended my little Youtube dispute by telling this man one thing: “why would you let your self worth be determined by someone else’s criteria? I think men/people need to spend more time being the man/people they want to be rather than asking women/people to accommodate you. You teach people how to treat you, so if you’re a real man (of any race) then I have no choice but to treat as such because that’s who you are. “At the end of the day that’s what matters. Recognize your own flaws and love yourself anyway and improve on what it is you don’t like about you. Then love others through their faults and we’ll all be a lot better off.
Shannon the Tampa Diva
mrkeyz
The White Rose and the Cactus
How does the White Rose talk to the Cactus. How will the words of the White Rose show real feeling for the Catus? Will the subconscious give away in some trait in tone, inflection, or voice stress that may betray a lack of feeling or true respect from the Rose’s years of constant cultivation as opposed to the years of harsh desert conditions faced by the Cactus? Will the words in reply by the Cactus be appreciated or looked down upon as weakness typical of treatment toward the Cactus that receive too much care? Perhaps this is the reason why the Rose and Cactus do not grow together in the same environment, for they are raised so differently. How can one respect the other when the thorns of the Cactus are grown from harsh conditions, while the thorns from White Rose are born from indulgence?
The Growing Gulf Between Men and Women
There is a growing gulf in communication between men and women. The nineteenth century belief man should be strong has allowed increased aggression upon Males from day one. Along with this aggression allowed upon Males is the idea of pulling oneself up by the bootstraps that denies much in terms of mental, emotional, social, and academic supports from day one. The help usually given involves something to help make Male children strong as in sports or other physical competitions. While this type of treatment may have proved useful in the more physical nineteenth century, it is working opposite of need in the information age where it requires much more accumulated mental, emotional, social and academic skills acquired over time. In these areas, Males are being seriously shortchanged.
There is another area this kind of treatment is doing harm to Males in the information age. The increased aggression they receive from day one, creates two bad things for Males: 1. It creates higher average layers of mental frictions (redefined from higher average stress) which inhibits thinking, learning, and motivation in mental areas; 2. It also creates the Male ego or defensive cushion that the Male develops from an early age to protect them from the aggressions they receive from society. This Male ego or defensive cushion has the negative consequences of further alienating the Male from “any” various mental, emotional, social, and academic supports they “might just” receive from society.
The combination of high layers of mental frictions and defensive cushion are working to create an impediment to learning that accumulates in harm over time for men. In society today, men are given love, honor, respect, and support or the essentials of their self-worth only on the “condition of sufficient” achievement, money, power, status or image. They must fight through the still present, nineteenth century confrontations allowed by society upon them from an early age to achieve those benefits and feelings of self-worth.
For women, due to the nineteenth century belief women should be protected and still in effect today, this has created much overprotection and even indulgence for many women. It is creating very low layers of mental frictions collectively for women. This makes thinking, learning, and motivation mental areas much easier. This protection and continuous attention from day one create a high speed expressway that allows for much mental, emotional, social and academic advancement in many areas over time. These two continual supports from society over time create nearly everything a person needs today to succeed in the information age. Since women are given through overprotection, even indulgence, the benefits of love, honor, respect, and continual support, all of the benefits of self-worth from an early age without qualification (simply because they are girls), they are working with much more continual support and interaction to accumulate more continual mental, emotional, social, and academic knowledge and skills that can be transformed easily into money, power, status, and image. Even after this, society’s protection, continued support and view toward beauty and charm continually helps them in the information age.
The combination of this differential treatment has now created a tremendous gulf between men and women today. Women are now surging ahead academically and economically due to this overprotection and men are still puzzled as to why they are falling behind in those areas. You see if you remove the old money from older men, the girls are making more. The current beliefs held by both men and women today is that Males learn differently and/or men are simply lazy and do not try hard enough. These beliefs only add to the gulf between men and women today. The men who believe this and who do not have information to the contrary may believe they are somehow mentally inferior or just not working hard enough. Somehow, humans, men included, tend to reflect the treatment they receive in their lives upon others and do not know or are not allowed by society to say how differential treatment is hurting them. This may lead Males to give up in developing various mental, emotional, social, and academic skills over time. They may limit their interest and desires to smaller windows of fulfillment within their social connections. They will continue to dress up for display, their Male defensive cushion to at least present a plausible image when dealing in areas where they are not as competent. Worse for these Males, they may advance their beliefs and feelings onto their sons from an early age, thus enabling the continuation of the harmful belief of inferiority in the information age.
As for women, they having been told the same teaching that persons are naturally better in some areas or simply work harder. They may truly feel they are simply more intelligent or have worked harder to achieve what they have achieved. In our world, again women like men often reflect their environment and treatment upon others and so do not appreciate difference in treatment. Also, in our world of insecurities, it is no wonder when women achieve, to boost their insecurity, as affects everyone, they will believe this achievement is due to more intelligence or greater effort on their part and not due to any environmental variables.
This differential treatment has now created a tremendous gulf in communication between men and women. You see, as Males develop from allowed aggressions over time, this treatment operates upon their body language, words, tone, inflection, and voice stress. Over the years, due to this kind of treatment, there is a type of richness added to their words, tones, and inflections that denotes perhaps a higher form of feeling and compassion for others, again reflecting their lives upon others or just valuing others more so. Of course there are also Males due to so much aggression over time by society, who have turned their values around so that nearly any means are okay to justify an end usually for self gain.
As for women, the overprotection given women from day one collectively operates upon their body language, words, tone, and inflection over time. As such over attention will affect anyone, this will usually create words and tones that are more light and less rich in tone, inflection, and voice stress. Here we are not talking about strength of voice but “true feeling or care for others”. To the Male, (including myself) this may appear much less substantive or less rich in feeling or compassion when trading such words of conversations with women. Such words can even unintentionally feel patronizing if given too lightly or with less feeling at various times.
I believe as a result of such differential treatment, men are now looking at women only within the window of areas in which they truly feel there is mutual interest and competency. I do not need to explain this part. I feel however, women due to not having knowledge of those differences in treatment, may too often reflect their values and desires upon men with the woman’s much larger window of acceptance. Here is where women make their big mistakes. The men hide their shortcomings very well to achieve their small window of interest, while women hide their feelings of superiority to achieve their window or interest. Many women truly believe they are more intelligent and can control things to achieve a happy family with the man as a supporting member. However after the men have achieved their end, they will not be able to hold up their false defensive cushion on a continual basis and really do not care (as society has shown less care for them). The women due to feelings of intellectual superiority will usually then become more open in their natural advanced mental, emotional, social, and academic development. These two truths will collide eventually, leaving one or both sides either perplexed or angry.
Young girls tend to choose inappropriate marriage mates because boys who honestly portray their instability (due to society accepted mistreatment of Males) are more rejected by the girls. Since the boys know this, the boys who are usually selected come from three groups: (A) boys who have been sheltered and have not yet received their confrontations; (B) boys who put on the appearance of stability in order to sway the girl; and (C) boys who manage to acquire a somewhat stable life by emptying their life of a measure of circumstances, responsibilities, and weights or values. Young and older girls are usually the last ones to learn this information. Girls have not been told these differences exist.
The girl can protect herself by mapping out how her perspective mate deals with his angers, circumstances, responsibilities, along with weights and values he applies to elements in his life. These are natural human emotions and traits; they should flow naturally. A boy who does poorly in these areas or worse, appears to hide these traits, is unconsciously giving the girl a message of warning. This information is vital and necessary for preventing teen-age date and domestic-marriage violence.
Today, the gulf in communication between men and women is growing more deeply each day. For men, those who are trying to lead a more decent life, from the confrontations they have experienced, they are usually very compassionate and caring persons, whose words are rich in tone and inflection. For many men though, there is the value of the world, where society’s lack of values toward them have made them less caring or compassionate. Such ones may develop a very fluid personality designed to create whatever image is necessary to accomplish their immediate ends. Too often women make the sad mistake of seeing the more compassionate and caring men, those men who remain kind to women even when those women abuse them in various ways, as weak and the more brisk or bold men (more like those overprotected women) as strong. Those women do not realize that the mark of kindness and goodness in such men is usually tempered from years of confrontations that has created compassion and care for others, something many women have not experienced enough to value.
For women there are many who desire to have both a family and a career. They are filled with the language of social and academic education they have been supported with from day one. They reflect their lives from their close reflection of themselves upon others and then look for Male companions that match with their lives. However, their lack of true compassion and feeling for others that comes from such overprotection spills out continually through their body language, words, tone, and inflection. The freedom of expression allowed for women to give verbal, silent abuse, and hollow kindness with impunity (society allowing it) even toward a third party (such as a waiter), also presents a huge obstacle for women, especially when such comes out when dating. You see if men see it one time, they can expect it again toward them some day. Also, time and again many women make the mistake overestimating the values and underestimating the calculations of Males, especially those without true values of others, and also those Males who are more caring but have limits.
Also a biggie for financially successful women: men have faced confrontations from day one. Men do not expect goodness and support from society. They have learned from continuous aggressions from society to expect more aggression from individuals where men are perceived as weak in some way. This is why men cannot allow themselves to present weakness in any manner for it invites only more aggression from society. Men are given love, honor, respect, and support only when they demonstrate to society sufficient achievement, money, power, status, or image. When they see a successful woman, usually more successful than themselves, they have learned time and again to expect more verbal, silent abuse, or hollow kindness/ patronization from many (lol; I have received this kind of treatment from women on the job, at the store, and at other places of business simply from just their perception of me as more humble and mild. Society allows them to be more abrasive and patronizing.
For those women who are less educated and attempt to lead a caring life, perhaps by experience of more hardships there is greater sincerity of words, tone, and inflection. These differences are clearly felt respected by others. These women are truly to be commended for they are bucking the model that is presented in the media today. They may still be susceptible to men who put forth an image seeking only a small window of interest.
For me, I see so many insecure persons, both men and women, who are trying to survive. I see the media hurting everyone by fostering the idea of power struggles without care or consideration for others. I see the rewarding of strength at all cost and domination as the key to maintaining viewer interest and support. Here I am seeing good women turned around through abuse and good men being turned around through abuse of them. Together, only those who have a hope outside this old rotting system will survive and maintain their mental/emotional health. Those who succumb to the hatred they are dealt with in society will probably take sides in the growing gulf that is becoming more warlike each day.
Due to the advancement of the information age and the continual increase in domination by Females in white collar positions, I see the media now much more dominated by women who have saturated the airways from very light, tinish, and seemingly patronizing words, tones, and inflections to very strong, hard biting words. Society’s protection for women allows these kinds of expressions with impunity. I do not value such words. Due to the confrontations I have experienced, I find such words in men and women much less valuable and even counterfeit. Perhaps this is why many other Males are tuning out and away from the media. I am though am a very caring person. I feel for everyone. However, I know there are many persons, who respect only strength and power and who see mildness, kindness, and goodness as weakness. I see bank tellers, postal clerks, grocery check out persons, and even civil servants, using their society protected freedoms of expression to give verbal, silent abuse, and hollow kindness, usually to those individuals who the most sincere. I feel this gulf between men and women cannot continue for very long. I am intelligent and can deal with anyone. I just will not allow my words to be exchanged for counterfeit words. LOL; Fortunately for me, I grew up with a speech impediment so rejection is something I have a great deal of experience. I have learned to value my solitude. My complete learning theory will go to all on request by e-mail mayfieldga@bellsouth.net